bif. tail. cross.

If I could name three of my most favorite things in the world, I'd probably be lying when I told you what they were because let's be honest, things change. BUT a few things I do lovemesomeof: killer dance moves, new running shoes, cats (get over it), vajazzelling, fart jokes/stories (or just the word fart in general because I laugh every time I hear it), showing off yoga poses that I don't really know how to do but am always willing to try for a laugh, BBQ sauce, loud belly laughs, conversations with the under-6 crowd, putting Zs on the end of words to pretend like I'm coolz, and finally, a good bif, some lobster tails (the inedible kind... to be explained later) and the femme man cross.

The last three bring me a great deal of joy and I'll tell you why: for the most part, you really can't explain why they exist, but when you see them, there's notadamnthing you can do to peel your eyes away.

Bif.
Definition: Butt in front. Uh huh, yeah, gross? No no no. Fascinating? Yes. I had an instructor at one point in my life who I'll just refer to as Mr. Bif. Mr. Bif would be the King of Bif Island if it existed (and let me tell you... I would vaca there annually, preferably with Mike Stafford). Here's what was so great about Mr. Bif: not only could you only distinguish his waist via his belt line--which just so happened to act as the hemisphere of his body, separating his boobies from his bif--but on the off-chance that said bif had somehow engulfed the man's biz, there really is no way on God's Green Earth that this man actually had a trace of man-biz. Honestly, my friends and I would spend dayzzz searching for any sign of life below the hemisphere, but to no avail... which leads me to my next point: THE LOBSTER TAIL.

Lobster Tail.
Definition: Tuck and cover. Now, don't befuddle lobster tails with mangina's, as the two are completely separate, but equally amazing, "cousins" of the sort. The lobster tail simply explains what it looks like when someone has their biz hidden (most likely by a bif). It only seemed natural to coin this expression after things like bifs, fupas, camel toes, and other more graphic expressions that will remain to your imagination were created. Besides, who the eff on Earth will ever know what you're talking about when you compliment their lobster tail? If you're lucky, they'll be a chef and the compliment will double in value. Super.

Femme man cross.
Definition: Men crossing their legs as only a woman should. This happens waaaayyyyy too much and I'm left in awe every single time. As I was explaining to Ben earlier today, I think having bird legs helps a man's femme-man-crossing efforts tremendously, but with that being said, ummm it still doesn't make sense to me on any level HOW in the WORLD that could be a cozy sitting position for a guy? I see men do it all the time and secretly giggle to myself every single time. I'm still trying to think of a casual way to suggest to a guilty femme-man-crosser that it would be in everyone's best interest if he could go back to the newspaper-reading-Dad-cross (ankle-over-knee). Call me immature, but I'm simply looking out for their testicular health, especially considering the gov suggests that everything short of sneezing will give you cancer these days. Now, to add an even more disturbing proponent to the femme man cross, I guess you could combine all three (bif, tail, cross) for a truly stomach-turning, yet heart-warming sight, but I don't even want to go there. I just giggle-vomited a little thinking about it.

So there you have it. Some of life's greatest treasures. But in all honesty, these should be used with caution and in moderation, despite how much I truly love catching one (or more) in action.