current eventz.

I really don't know how people are thinking straight these days. I'm mean, let's be real here, it's not like the news stations are dishing us even remotely legit information. When I turn on the news (which is a typical default considering I don't have cable...), all I hear are a bunch of melodramatic tall tales told using wrongfully emphasized syllables. Holy shit, someone just give me one single fact. No embellishments, no corny bullshit. Just one fact. I don't even care what it is. For all I care, the anchor could look at someone's green jacket and tell his viewers that he's looking at a man in a green jacket.

Aaaand now I'm stepping off my soapbox.

Recently the headliners have included: Brett Favre's on-again-off-again antics, Dr. Laura calling it quits, and of course... an egg recall. Somehow these all seem uniquely linked. I'm not sure how, but use your imagination and I'm sure you'll come up with something.

I've never really hopped on the Favre train as many people seem to have done over the past, uhhh, 20ish years. Michael Jordan, yes. King James, yes. Maybe even a little Lance Armstrong. But Brett Favre just never really did it for me. I feel like he peaked when he made his cameo on There's Something About Mary. So now, 12 years later, he's doing all he can to keep his head above water. So what better way to get people's attention than act like a total flake? It's actually been entertaining to see how all of the news-y channels get a little moist in their drawers about it. Ohhhhmygawwwwd he's retiring! No wait, he's back! he's back! he's back! Breaking news: The Era of Favre is over. News to break the breaking news: Ohhh sonofabitch, just kidding, he's back for another year. I'll give the guy a few props for his epic arm, but for the love of NFL, just pack up your Nancy pants and buy a one way ticket to Scottsdale. Let someone else have their prime. And plus, now his teammates are speaking out against him. Think the Vikes are going to do well this season? Ha. Think again.

Ohhh Dr. Laura. It's about time you cashed in your chips. I remember standing in my dad's kitchen listening to the Dr. L show and thinking that this woman belonged in the cuckoo's nest. One of my biggest pet peeves is people who can't shut the eff up. And believeyoume, she had no clue what a warm cup of shut-the-hell-up tasted like. In her defense, she often said what a lot of people were thinking (but had more class than to actually say it) so I guess you could consider her a voice of the people. But to be frank, she was an angry old Ethel whose bigotry was the magic carpet of her career. And even though there's a teeny tiny, microscopic part of me that's sad that I won't get to read about another lawsuit filed against her loud mouth, I can only say good riddance.

Last but not least... there's been a recall on eggs? What? I just made an omelette last night and judging the rate by which foodstuffs are getting recalled, I'll more than likely wake up d-e-d tomorrow. So to make sure I had my facts straight I did a little investigating (thank you wiki) and here are a few of the more recent recalls I found:

1. April 2007: Nestle voluntarily recalled its "Caramel Kit Kat Chunky" bars and "KitKat Cookie Dough Chocolate" bars due to some bits of hard plastic being found in the chocolate.

2. April 2008: Malt-O-Meal voluntarily recalls its Puffed Rice and Puffed Wheat cold cereal products.

3. March 2009: Setton Pistachio of Terra Bella, California recalled its entire 2008 crop of pistachios due to salmonella contamination.

4. 2010: McDonalds recalled the Shrek Forever After cups due to risks of lead poisoning from the cups' paint.

And finally... 5. Most egg companies are recalled due to a salmonella outbreak on most of there eggs.

Hmm. So this brings me back to square one about the news. Dramadramadrama. I can promise you that there always has and always will be salmonella in eggs. Thanks to the lovely USDA, the amount of feces and pesticides we eat every year is a fantastically sickening number anyway, so what's a little sal gonna do? The only thing I'm worried about right now is the whole genetically biggie-sizing animals thing. There's a reason people are bigbodies... larger portions mean larger asses. 1 + 1 = Supasized. So can someone do us all a favor and just knock it off with the genetic processing nonsense? I promise you my smaller chicken breast won't taste any different than your bigger one.