kickball champs.

As some of you may be aware (and let's be honest, when I say "some of you," I'm referring to the 4ish gracious people who appease me by reading this thing...), I am on an adult kickball team and the funny thing is that it's with a national kickball league... who knew, right? Well, our team got progressively better throughout the season and this Friday we're playing in the finals. So in order to pump up our team, one of the guys sent this out and I couldn't just let it sit in my inbox. I can recognize brilliance when I see it. I hope you can too. Enjoy.

"Ladies, Gentlemen...

Throughout the course of civilized society, there has been one constant battle -- the battle between good and evil. What you might not know, however, is good and evil are mere subsets of things much larger -- the decent and the douche bag. That's right, this game on Friday is not merely a kickball game, but a life and death battle in the million year war of righteousness.

These light blue c*cksuckers are the worst kind of people. They spit on quarters, throw them on the ground, and laugh when people pick them up. They give titty twisters in a desire for blood. They slash bicycle tires. Hell, I saw Captain America feeling up that screaming homeless black guy a few weeks ago.

Now us on the other hand, we are the champions of justice, and we dispense this justice through our legs, agility, and brains, just like our forefathers and foremothers. We are Gandhi. We are Martin Luther King. We are Sparta, the Romans, and the Navy Seals in an Irish Green package. But most important of all, we have pride.

I know most of us are lukewarm about our last win due to the means taken. Yes, I feel horrible for bunting. It's cheap and weak and forces every team to create the creepy catcher position. Hopefully, we'll be playing well enough that we won't have to resort to such a shyster tactic on Friday.

There is a terrific plan we will be using on Friday when their creepy catcher comes up to lay down his bullshit bunt. We are going to shame him into kicking. So the plan is when he gets up, we are going to call a noticeable timeout and announce "He can't kick farther than two feet, we need to swap out our catcher," and have someone from the outfield, Brian or Kelly, take over for Diana at catcher. He will have to kick it after we do this.

I don't have any inspirational movie quotes to get you all pumped up, but I will say this, every time you see a guy in a flat bill hat and wife beater, that's our opponent. Someone with an American Flag lapel pin, that's our opponent. Girls who made Justin Bieber and Twilight popular, those are our opponents. They wear crocs with socks in public. They are guys wearing girls' jeans. They puke Smirnoff Ice all over the bathroom sink and refuse to clean it up. They steal from orphanages, kick puppies, club seals, claim gay weddings destroy the sanctity of marriage and then cheat on their wives, and worst of all, they are the ones who provide the funding for the team that makes the Scary Movie spoofs.

To put it as bluntly as I can, these are horrible human beings, and we are going to lay down a rueing so awesome it will make Sodom and Gomorrah look like a slap on the wrist."

Take that, Rudy.