the texter.

Let me start this post by saying a couple of things:

1. I'm a texter. I love it. Who doesn't? Well, my mom doesn't and every time I bring up a text I've sent her (and I only do it to be annoying, naturally), she says to me and whoever else might be in earshot, "You know I don't see what's wrong with just picking up the phone and calling someone. Why do I have to text (she says this word as if she's actually saying fuck, but surprisingly she says fuck a lot more easily; however, not too often . . . I digress) someone to get an answer or have a conversation? It's so impersonal . . ." Oh Moooommmm, you're silly.

2. I don't like malls. They're gross, overwhelming and smell funny.

Yesterday I turned on the news while getting ready for work to good old Good Morning America (The Today Show was really starting to piss me off with their stories about the man with the goooolden vooooiiiiice...) and the big headliner featured a youtube video of a woman texting in a mall, not looking where she was going, and nose-diving into a fountain. I could hardly contain my excitement and was about 20 minutes late to work because I couldn't pull myself away from this train wreck. The anchors were saying something about how dangerous texting and walking can be (what?) and then did the whole "here's why" to introduce the video of this woman. They showed it backwards, forwards, sideways, frontways, slow motion, fast-forwarded, and finally upside-down. I was glued to that shit. So next they interviewed the woman and that's when it got good.

She was all in a tizzy because the youtube video has gotten millions of hits. Millions! If that were me I'd be SO PROUD! Instead, she was all up in arms because people were laughing at her. Come on lady, take a joke! Laugh at yourself! COME ONNN. I mean really, people slip and fall all over the place, people laugh, then inevitably a cake falls on the laughing people, someone slams the other in the face with a pie then they pie-slammer slips on a banana peel and so on and so forth. Shit's funny, ya know? Instead, this woman has retaliated because her Ego (or honestly, it sounds like she's still stuck in the Id) has been bruised. That's the only explanation for her reaction. She then tried to justify her texting by saying she was texting someone from her church. Ohhhh OK, so because it was someone from your church, everything is totally legit and you were only being the good person that you are. Personally, I don't care if she had been texting the Pope or her dog. It's completely irrelevant. But come to think of it, if her dog had texted her then that is what I call a great news story.

She's hired a pudgy, bad-haired lawyer who was sitting with her and could only say "at this time we're investigating the issue as well as identifying anyone who was involved with posting this video to the Internet." Oh come on, you can't blame the security guys. You weren't hurt. Nothing happened. You fell into a two-foot pool of water. Get over yourself, lady. You could tell the lawyer was doing all he could not to laugh in her face. I did for him. The anchors finally cut to commercial and I realized I was sitting in the middle of my living room floor, head tilted up toward the TV, mouth agape, and unable to move. I felt dumber for having experienced that 10 minutes of Breaking News.

Now do you see why I'm not a fan of the news? I just don't get people some days . . . and by some, I mean most.