One of the perks of joining the corporate ranks is getting sent to seminars related to your department. Conversely, one of the pitfalls is not knowing what the hell everyone is talking about. This morning I woke up early, ate a few prunes for good measure, pulled my hair back in a schoolmarm bun because I needed to look "professional" (and secretly because I get sick of the whole hair washing/drying/ironing thing), and set out for the seminar. And really, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Come to think of it, I still don't know what I got myself into.
Point #1: This is something every seminar putter-onner needs to know. HAVE SIGNS. I really could care less if you write "THIS WAY ASSHOLES" and draw an arrow using a ball point pen on a piece of printer paper, just throw a girl a bone. I've yet to walk into a meeting like this not looking doe-eyed and having no clue who I need to talk to to get my freakin name tag and get a chair under me. I deduced that the Security desk was a bad choice mainly because of two ridiculously hefty men sitting behind it. They seemed to be doing a lot of good with their game of Who Can Stare Further Into Space. Super. Instead I went to a desk where three women were chirping about Lordknowswhat and took a solid 30 seconds to acknowledge my presence. In a voice not unlike one used for speaking to a child, I am asked, "Aaaand what can we help you with?" Before I could finish my sentence, I was told that so-and-so would take me to such-and-such room if I put my information here and took this badge.
Point #2: What are you supposed to talk about with so-and-so who is taking you to such-and-such room? Seriously... The weather? Make awkward early morning jokes? Insincere how-are-you's? I racked my brain to come up with something else, but settled on, "So how are you doing today?" One of these days I really just want to say, "Quick. Tell me your top three favorite kinds of pie. Aaaaand GO!" or "These underwear were really a fantastic choice. I feel like a new woman. What kind are you wearing?" or "So we had to have my cat euthanized 6 months ago and I still wake up in a pool of sweat screaming his name..."
Once I got to the room and received my hand-written name tag (my name was not yet on "the list"), I sat down next to a woman I recognized from a Medical Marijuana conference I had attended a few months prior (Note: The conference was a lot less exciting than anticipated, except for the fact that they served brownies for dessert. Touche, conference putter-onners.) and it took me awhile before I could get her attention to even introduce myself. She was glued to her flip phone. And they say younger people are the textaholics of this day and age? Excuse me, but this over-40 woman was texting throughout the entire seminar. I, a woman 20 years her junior, only checked my phone once to find a text that read: "I shared a bagel with the trash. I had 3 chocolate cheesecakes." and I thought I was going to pee my pants. Instead I reminded myself that I had a bun in my hair and pulled myself together enough to pretend like I was listening to the speaker.
Truly, I had no idea what we were talking about. So what else could I do but smile and nod, then pretend to take notes when the speaker looked at me. I was in a room of about 20 professionals in my field who all worked for construction companies. Needless to say, we had nothing in common in addition to the blatant age gap. What I did pick up on was the fact that apparently because of my position in my company, I am now the default member of this "elite" group of individuals and will be expected to attend their meetings from now on. After figuring that out, I focused on picking up their lingo, wrote a few things down, and will study up on how to say things I don't know shit about in order to assimilate myself into this group. Shouldn't be too hard, right?
If anything, I'll keep getting fed delicious free breakfasts. One more point for the youngsters.
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