confession wednesday.

I'm on my lunch break and figured I could squeeze in a little blogging sesh...

On my drive to work today, I was listening to a wholesome little radio talk show I like to refer to as my saving grace each morning: John Jay and Rich. It gives me the opportunity to start my day off right: by laughing at (with) the stupid shit people do. My faaaavorite feature they do is on Thursday mornings called War of the Roses, but for some reason they changed it from 7:50 to 8:50 AM. OMG the first time I realized they switched times, I couldn't believe they'd rob my mornings of this little treasure. Every Thursday they have some toolbag call in and whine about how they think their boytoy/girlyfriend is cheating on them... blahblahblah. So after they listen to this pathetic sob story, the DJs call this person's bf/gf and offer them a dozen free roses to send to anyone. They alwaysalwaysalways describe the roses as "hot and steamy" and I seriously want to throw something at my radio every time they say this because who the eff refers to roses as hot and steamy? This falls into the same category as calling anything.... moist... Sicksicksick. Anyway. More often than not, the guy (usually a guy because let's be honest, only a girl could be psycho enough to call a radio station to find out if her douche bag bf is cheating on her) would name someone else and request to write something on the card like, "See you tonight...," "Hey, sexy thang," or my personal fave, "Break me off a piece." THEN comes the drama and ohhh mahh gawwwd it just warms my heart. The gf alllllways flips out, reinforcing the fact that bitchiscrazy, then threatens to tell all of her bf's deepest darkest secrets. One girl announced that she's a saint because she's put up with his herpes for 10 years only to find out he's been hooking up with some ho-bag behind his back. Ummm WTF. This is like trash TV, radio style, and I. Love. It.

On Wednesdays they have Confession Wednesday allll morning (thank God for that) and this morning's confessions were un-be-lieve-able. I'm pretty sure I wet my pants from a combo of laughter/shock/utter disgust. Examples:

1. Girl #1 admits that when she was 16 she slept with her stepdad while her mom was at the hospital having a baby… then continued the dirrrrtybird relationship with this guy until Momsy discovered it about a year later. Classy lady.
2. Girl #2 was an adjunct professor at a uni in New Mexico who had a Hottie McHotandsteamy student flirting with her. He kept pursuing and tempted her with Lady Gaga tickets who she’s apparently obsessed with, so she went to dinner with him. (Oh, and she also has a bf. What a moron.) Anyway, this kid says to her, “Ok, here’s what I want: An A in my class and you in the sack.” So what does she do? She goes for it, sleeps with him and gives him an A on his final, thinking he’s going to give her two Lady Gaga tickets in return. Instead, she gets: 1. Probation from the school for giving the kid an undeserved A, 2. Crabs, 3. No tickets. Sweet life.
3. Girl #3 (WHY ARE THEY ALL GIRLS?) calls in to confess that she had a threesome with her fiancé’s parents and has continued the relationship with her future mother-in-law. Oh, and she’s getting married on Monday. Awesommme.
4. Guy #1 used to work for a mortuary and sent the wrong infant’s body to the wrong family. Ok people, this is where I draw the line. I guess it’s against protocol to open an infant’s casket after it’s been nailed shut and shipped off, so no one ever found out… I wonder how many times this actually has happened…
5. Guy #2 has a 3-year-old child who he refers to as "the child" with a babymama stripper he slept with at his bachelor party. His wife doesn't know about any of it and actually jokingly said to him before the party, "Don't sleep with any strippers!" He's been "happily" married for three years now, doesn't pay child support on "the child," and is probably one of the biggest Donnies I hoped never existed. Hey reality, thanks for that nice slap in the face.

These confessions put anything I could ever say to shame. If I called in, I’d probably say something superawesome liiiike, “Hey, so my confession is that I stole a sticker from my piano teacher when I was 7 because I rrrrreally wanted a sticker of a drum.” True story. When good ol' Judy was in the bathroom, I swiped the sticker and stuck it to my stomach for safe-keeping until I could go home and put it in my diary (which I still have…). The funny thing is that she gave me a sticker for being a good student like 5 seconds after she came back to the piano. (Hello guilt.) I considered confessing, but realized that would be the dumbest decision in the world. She didn’t really need that extra sticker anyway.

Ok, back to work...