the sauna.

Today I wandered down to the 24 Hour Fitness on Alameda... at my own risk of course. Good news: it has yet to disappoint me and today was no exception.

After a nice little interval training workout (I've realized that in order to still consider myself a "runner" and not embarrass my cohort by being a semi-in-shape running poser, I need to buckle down and do some sprints...), I decided to try out the sauna. It really seemed like the right thing to do at the time and after my little experience, I'm planning on going in there at least 7 times a week. I'm beginning to think that the little phrase "Thank God for tiny miracles" doesn't really apply to babies; clearly, the genius who thought up that one was a frequent at the 24 Hour Fitness in his city.

So as I was sitting in there, an awkward two-arm's-length distance away from a hairy middle-aged man, I was trying to figure out proper sauna etiquette. Naturally I opted to curl up in the corner and closed my eyes, thinking I'd just shut out the world. I was enjoying a nice little film strip recap of my weekend, trying as hard as I could not to laugh at a certain little peep-show incident that will be burned into my brain for a solid 27 years, when in walks mano numero dos and where does he think is the most appropriate place to sit? In between me and numero uno of course... you could cut the tension with a sideways spoon. So there I am sitting next to two incredibly sweaty pot-bellied men. There was no way I was going to be able to focus on anything else, so I went back to my first thought: sauna etiquette. I came up with a little checklist of sauna essentials as I watched the fourth, and remarkably better-looking, member of our party walk in. But suffice it to say, he was showing way too much A crack for me to consider him remotely attractive. AND he had a chin strap, something I'm firmly against.

Need-to-knows when entering a sauna:

1. If you're a middle-aged, balding man with a balloon-sized gut, there's some unwritten rule about not wearing a shirt. (I wasn't about to whip off my top in front of these guys, so I guess I failed from the start.) This clearly lends ease to number two...

2. Sweaty boobies. These topless middle-agers were no exception to the rule. I actually think they made the rule themselves, considering their sweaty bizoobies not only outsized mine, but were hanging out there for the world to see. You don't know how close I was to giving one of them a tittytwister, then making a run for it. Maybe next time.

3. Awkwardly loud breathing, almost panting, but not quite. I know it's a little more difficult to breathe in a sauna, but really? I found it completely unnecessary for them to take in big gasps of air, then dramatically exhale like they were still working out. All that was doing was adding heat and hot breathy bits to the room and if there's anything I can't stand, it's a big face full of nasty breath.

4. The discrete look-around to check out who the other members of the sauna party are. The technique is pretty simple, but you have to be wary of your timing because you can't let the person you're gawking at catch you. Then what do you do? Creepily smile at them then look away? No no no. If someone catches you staring at A. their face, B. their junk, or C. their sweaty boobies, you immediately have to get up and leave. Standard procedure. If you don't like the rule, you don't have to participate in sauna parties; it's your call. God that sounded like something my 5th grade teacher would have said...

5. Time limits. OK so I'm innately competitive and think I have to win at everything. (Whether I actually end up winning or not is another story.) Naturally while I was sitting in there today, I decided that I had to outlast the first hombre who had been sitting there when I walked in. I realized about 15 minutes into this little game that he wasn't giving up, so I bit my lip and decided to tough it out... until 3 more people walked in and I got a little bit uncomfortable with the amount of half-naked togetherness going on. Besides, at that point I could feel myself reaching my heat limit for the day, so I decided to split. Point: Ugly (half)naked guy.

6. By no means should you ever start rubbing yourself... this goes for you, hombre dos, who felt the need to rub your sweaty belly as if that was accomplishing anything remotely sexy. I think the sound was what disturbed me the most. Vom. It.

But really... I can't wait to get back there for more. I think it's sufficient to say that I had way too much fun in there, but I really don't know how not to find things like this funny. And I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.