Tonight I found myself back in one of my new favorite places: The sauna at 24 Hr. Oh yeah, I totally went for Round 2. This time I tried out the Tiffany Plaza sauna because I've found the clientele to be a little more, well... classy, than the Alameda crew.
All day I've had this weird tired/sickish feeling so I thought to myself, what better way to fix a bad case of the Mondays (sweet Jesus, I actually just said that) than a little trip to the gym + sauna? I'm a genius. Sooo I burned my bunz for a while, then skipped off to the sauna like a little schoolgirl. I tried not to get my hopes up, but I could hardly contain my excitement. And let me tell you, I was anything but disappointed.
Not only was I yet again the only female attendant of the sauna partay, but I was the only shirt-wearer. I really need to just get over my fear of toplessness and dive right in one of these days. Or not, whatever. When I walked in, there was a ripped-because-he's-skinny guy doing some standing leg exercises. Why? Oh, I found out later that he was hell-bent on doing anything humanly possible to be the coolest kid on the block, including standing leg things that weren't turning anyone on but himself. I decided his name would be something rrreally awesome, like Stu.
About a minute after I planted my bunz in the corner and stretched out my stemz, what I can only describe as Mongo from Blazing Saddles came breezing into the partayyy. Yesssss. I have no freaking clue how I got this lucky. He, of course, was topless and sporting the greatest pair of manboobies the world has ever seen, but his dids couldn't even do justice to the size of his colossal belly. It was solid as a rock, too. Like Sumo wrestler business. I did everything I could not to stare, but it really was just too good to be true. So not only was Mongo the elephant in the room (literally and figuratively... obvi) but he felt the need to verbally announce his size to the rest of the party. I mean, to his credit, there were only about 6 inches between the ceiling and his head, but I was tempted to take a heads-down-hands-up-vote to see who actually cared.
So Stu and Mongo hit it off big time. In between flexing and pacing/jumping around the tiny 9x9 room (in which 3 other people including myself sat), they had one of the most unintelligent conversations I've had the pleasure of listening to in ohhhh about 15 years. Mongo, who I learned has both a legal background as well as has worked in the car business (to me, that just scrrreeeeaaaaammmmsss Denver Mafia), apparently was in onehelluva car accident in 2002 and is still recovering... uh huh... So here's the story (insert intermittent "mothafuckin's" and "shiiitduuude's" and "daaaaamnboooiiiii's" and overly dramatic hand gestures more often than you feel is necessary while you read this and you might have a tiny idea of what I witnessed): So Mongo was driving in his braaaand new (oh hell, now I can't remember the car) Tahoe (I think?), I mean braaand new, that shit just got deziiined, down the interstate. Someone in front of him lost a couch (yes, a couch) that apparently bounced right off their flatbed and landed in the middle of the road. Well shit dude, Mongo was going sooo faaast boiii that he swerved into oncoming traffic and "I'll-be-damned-if-I'm-gonna-take-someone-else's-life," so he somehow managed to swerve back "which is basically unheard of because like no one has the power to take control of two tons of vehicle dude." BUT I'll be damned if Mongo couldn't keep control of the car. Homiethatshit'sforreal. (Insert lots and lots of completely idiotic and forced-street-accent comments from Stuey such as, "Yeah dude das like straight metal rollin up in der." Wowowowowowow. I don't even know what that means. So Mongobongo effed up the whole inside of the cab during this little escapade, "yeah I like took off the mirrors and shit" (I'm not even kidding, he totally said that.) and eventually was ejected through the sunroof. OK waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait just ONE minute, I thought to myself as I did everything I could to hold in my giggles (and it wasn't easy). How ON EARTH could a man HIS SIZE fit through the opening of a sun roof? I'm not exaggerating here; I guarantee Mongo weighed in at a hefty 380+ and stood 6'10"ish feet tall. All I could picture was Tim Allen in The Santa Clause being sucked through that tiny chimney (don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about) as a reasonable explanation.
So anyway, after delivering his Oscar-worthy speech, Mongo said he was getting overheated, gave his bro StuStu a fist bump, and peaced the party. You can imagine my disappointment. I won't deny that I sneaked a peak at his butt to see if he was rockin the crack, but thankfully his pants managed to cover everything. So I stayed in there watching 1. Some middle-aged Indian man rub his legs and belly (Grossgrossgross. Didn't I make myself clear last time?), 2. Another middle-aged man do the awkward look-around when people weren't looking, and then 3. Until I was positive I was half-way melted and getting a little too dizzy for it to be fun anymore. So I once again bowed out gracefully, but definitely chalked up my second sauna adventure as a total success. I'm thinking about bringing in a box of Goobers and a Diet Coke for my next trip.
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