cruisers.

My life is now a little bit more complete. Wednesday night I went to my first Denver Cruisers extravaganza and had no idea that I was in for the time of my life. The theme was Wild, Wild West and ohhh sweet Jesus, was it ever. Recap:

1. Cruise with coworker + friends down to Cowboy Lounge (one of my personal faves...) to start the night off. On our way, we ran into the pack of Cruisers who were coming from Casselman's which was a nice little treat. Some middle-aged woman was talking about "deuces" the entire ride there while other people yelled random obscenities and drank out of mini Coors Light cans (put that on the list for next week).

2. We hung out on top of the Tavern/Cowboy Lounge for about an hour, drinking tallboys of Busch Light (so classy), orange slushy things (mmm), and maaaaaybe some bottom-shelf whiskey. God is good. I can't even begin to describe the crowd there: unknown genders, flame-printed assless chaps + Christmas lights + oversized foam cowboy hat = best costume of the night... and Boobs McGee. She deserves a number all to herself...

3. We first caught sight of Boobs McGee while people watching over the edge of the balcony. She was running (gross visual... you'll understand in a minute) across the street to Lodo's with a group of equally nasty women wearing a cut-off tee, fishnet stockings, bootay shortz, one of those creepy little kids' cowboy hats (or maybe she just made it look creepy), aaaaaaaaaand glittery stars pasted over her nips. Um. WTF. So as we were making a scene of the scene, the guy standing next to me said, "Oh yeah, that's Rachel. She does this every week." Naturally, I wanted to know everything about this disaster of a woman, so this guy showed me a picture of her during a past Hula Cruisers theme (I vomited on the spot) and said she's an aspiring stripper. Well duh. I'll give her a quarter of a point for having the ballz to wear her effing ridiculous outfit, but for God's sake... no no no no no no no. I would post a picture of this abomination of a woman (because I was unlucky enough to snag a pic later in the night), but I have no interest in promoting her actions. Girlfriend is a little desperate for attention...

4. Circle of death. This is apparently the highlight of the Cruiser events... we went to these alien-looking statues outside the convention center and watched the brave souls ride aroundandaroundandaround until some douche bag turns the opposite direction and makes everyone crash. I'm proud to say I made it one lap on my bike and a few laps on some creepish old guy's chariot-style bike with my new galpal Emi. I think the night spiked there.

5. Bender's Bar. Ok, this was just awesome. They had this awesome old school country band playing (granny bass player was another spike in the evening--I might have a new life goal brewing thanks to her) and were serving tall boys of PBR. Hahaha yessssss. As the night wore on and people got shittier, the pictures kept getting better and better, including Boobs McGee and this creepy little guy wearing a sheriff's outfit and quite clearly had noooo idea where he was. Just heartwarming.

6. Benny Blanco's pizzzza post-partay. My Cruiser posse and I sat outside on Denver's newest addition: rentable cruiser bikes and snarfed some amazing pizza. A group of soon-to-be-new-friends stumbled by asking us where they could score a J and despite their disappointment that our crew was as unlucky as them, hung out on the bikes with us. The pedals could only turn backwards, so we were cool enough to have backwards races (...) and I wound up with a few scrapes and bruises. I guess I kind of got into it. These things happen, people.

7. Drunk dial (big deal for me because I don't usually do this, but it was a supa end to the evening) + snooze in my car (not my finest moment) + early day to work (gross) = one tired little lady.

Thank you, Cruisers. I love you. Next week: Celebrity Rehab...